Lucidly Awake

Hollywoodland (a.k.a. Why we delete stuff?)

2006-07-15T03:50:00.000-07:00

I am sure somewhere or the other we have all come upon the famous 'HOLLYWOOD' sign in Hollywood. If you are from the US you have probably seen it with your eyes, even otherwise you must know it as one of the landmarks of USA. But did you know it was earlier 'HOLLYWOODLAND' and was an advertisement for a housing society?
Later on, they removed the words land and ever since it has been one of the pop culture symbols of the last century and continues to be one in this one too.

Why am I telling you all this? If you were to observe, they removed the 'LAND' from the sign. Sometimes it becomes necessary to delete old stuff which is not valid anymore and whose existence serves no positive purpose.

Some posts on this blog are going to be deleted.

And then it dawns..

2006-05-20T04:53:00.000-07:00

..that life is beautiful

Seems unlikely, I know.. but some people in life just make is unexplainably beautiful

Song of the moment: Evanescence - Anywhere

Reservations GoogleBomb

2006-05-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

We are organizing a GoogleBomb on Arjun Singh's webpage with the anchor text 'traitor'. So here's my part Traitor , please do the same by linking to http://164.100.24.167:8080/members/website/Mainweb.asp?mpcode=75 with the anchor text 'traitor' on your blogs/sites/forums.

The reasons behind doing so are endless, here are just a few that are on top of my mind:
1> All the expert panels set up on the matter of quotas so far have suggested gradual reduction and ultimate abolishing of reservations.
2> Most people who take benefits of the reservations are students in Urban areas where there never was any discrimination taking place while the rural India is still full of inequalities. The government cannot run away from it's duty in the name of reservations.
3> Reservations are effectively creating divisions among the society. Think of someone who scores 90% marks and can't get into a college while his 'reserved' caste friend (who incidently is richer than him) goes to that college by a score of 50%. Will he really be 'unbiased' towards the so call reserved sections?

Reservation Protests : My Prediction

2006-05-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

So medical students have realized that they are going to be hardest hit from the new reservations policy there being already such an acute scarcity of seats and blatant ~~selling~~ prostitution of seats by colleges (most of which are run by politicians) is not helping them.
They have turned to the streets and some commendable people have started hunger strikes. Most of the student community is watching the whole thing claiming to "feel their anger" but is not joining because of the exams. Did you notice the government has cunningly timed the new laws right in middle of exams to keep the protests at a minimum.
So back to our future docs.. great work they are doing, only it's sad that they are doing it because they are going to suffer the most. Can't everyone else see the cunning of the government behind this move?
Here's what I think is gonna happen;
Medical protests are only going to mount up.. so are the number of participants in the hunger strike, someone is going to come close to dying. The biggies in the government will wet their pants on this and immediately announce that they are going to "review" the quota decision and convince (threaten with threat of death of their future careers) the students to dismount the protests.
The decision on the review will be that the new quotas will not be implemented at least for now. They will only mass rape the rest of the educational system.

Shyam Munshi

2006-05-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

If you are gonna ask who is the person named in the title I am happy and I am sad.

Sad because you are not aware about your country, about trampling of law that takes place here, about drunk people killing others and getting away just for being rich and powerful. Sad because you are not aware about this shameless gutless son of a bitch who claimed he did not understand hindi and backed out of witness stand.

Happy because his efforts to cash in on this infamy have failed.

According to IMDB, Shyam Munshi is going to be featured in this upcoming movie:

The Bong Connection
Cook Na Kaho -- Star One
Ahista Ahista
Amar Joshi Sahid Ho Gaya

Whether or not you knew about Shyam before reading this title I strongly urge you to not watch this movie.. even if it gets good review, even if all other movies are housefull and that would mean coming back from the multiplex, JUST DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE.

If you are aware of any other movies/sitcoms/brand endorsements by Shyam just add in the comments I will update this post with the name.

So what's the whole purpose of this boycott? We want to give this message.. "You may get away with murder in this country but we will surely try to fuck your career."

UPDATE:
1> Added more movies and one sitcom which he hosts
2>His real name is Shayan Munshi, ironic that I posted 'Do you recognize..' with myself not being aware of his real name.

Thought Droplet

2006-04-30T05:21:00.000-07:00

It is but inevitable for you to want someone and for someone to want you.
It is but impractical for both the 'someone's to be the same.
It is but impossible for both the 'someone's to be same and for them to want each other at the same time.

Observings

2006-04-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

The two were walking on such a crowded road yet they were in their own isolated worlds. Two worlds, none shared.
The gait spoke somethings about the walkers. He, with that of someone who has lost to situations before and who was feeling like he was going to lose one more time now. Or maybe it was nothing like that, it might just have been a new pair of shoes.
She walked like a bird. She fluttered, carefully, slyly, sadly. The eternal tragic heroine.
Like many other times she let her burkha down. Feeling the polluted city air in it's pure unfiltered burkhaless form. It felt good. And sinful.
He peered on to her time and time again. Waiting for a response maybe. She walked straight, noticing his peerings but acting not to. A smallest of smiles forming on to her lips. This one, for a change, was not fake.
"Mat soch tu mera baare mein soch. Mera kuch nahin ho sakta." she finally said, in her feminine, tragically given up voice.

Lost Messages

2006-04-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

Voiced down,
Out of town.
Lump in throat,
Why don't know.
In the blue
Desire to
Speak out
Shout
But what
Know not

The Stars Up There

2006-04-04T02:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night there was a power failure at about 2 in the night. This was the first nightly power failure after we bought an inverter and I really missed the non-inverter days when all lights would be out everywhere outside and you could see darkness in it's most pure form, unhindered by human influences (like streetlights, some no-gooder up-nighters like me, etc) . At times like those I would sit at my window and just stare at the stars, observe different shades of the night and just get awed with the beauty of the night. Must have done it so many times and yet everytime I do it again there is something new I discover.
I simply turned off all my lights to get the same effect. Of course it worked, it was beautiful as ever. It was nothing short of nirvana gazing at the stars, feeling the starlight gently brush on my face. Oh how beautiful the stars look when all lights are out!!
I don't know how many minutes must have passed; my eyes were focused on the beautiful night sky when the power was restored. The ugly human lights were back on, but with my attention on the stars it took me some while to realize that power is back. Then the most wonderful thought flashed in my mind;
The stars are always up there
Seemingly simply and obvious thought but it transcended from the superficiality of the context to somewhere deep and extremely meaningful on the personal front. Something that makes so much sense that it's impossible to explain in exact words what it meant. Let's just keep it there and feel the purity of thought once again.
The stars are always up there

Oh Sleep! Where art thou?

2006-04-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

I have got a great experience to blog about. But not now, it's 4 am. I can't sleep!

So many highs in < 24 hrs

2006-04-01T22:09:00.000-08:00

Some of the highs that I rediscovered in past few hours.

=> The amazing sweet nap induced by heavy consumption of mangoes.
=> The super refreshed feeling that you get when you wake up from that nap and splash cold water on your face.
=> The 'good-cum-proud-cum-foolishly-happy' feeling you get giving your family members gifts with your own earned money.
=> Burger with extra chees + hot tea + latest episode of Lost
=> Staying up all night studying.
=> But actually studying for a small proportion of the night.
=> And yet content/quality of study being really satisfactory.
=> After a whole-nighter going for a morning walk.
=> Making a walk into a hike.
=> Taking beautiful pictures of nature on the mountain.
=> Life.

Click here to see the pics.

A thought that struck me was,disciplining oneself is NOT the same as limiting oneself.

Paranoia

2006-03-31T23:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, it was paranoia this time.

Intuition / Paranoia

2006-03-31T07:12:00.000-08:00

You know the sinking feeling that you sometimes get, mostly when you have the slightest most subtle hint of something going wrong. In absolute and holistic sense the hint might be the most immaterial thing ever but deep down inside you feel that you know that there is disaster in the waiting.
With a small number of exceptions, there have been disasters waiting for me whenever I have had that feeling arising from such 'hints'. Those exceptions were the times my internal fears got the better of my intuitiveness. I am hoping that it be the case this time.
Only time can tell. Find it out in the next post.

Come.. peer into my playlist

2006-03-30T08:49:00.000-08:00

Just added my whole collection on the MP3 player.. randomized the list, set the mode to shuffle, will write about the next three songs and what they mean to me:

1>Seether - Out Of My Way
My summer of 2004 was marked by frustration, aggression and excessive confusion. At that time I found a great outlet to my expressions in hard rock. One of my favourite songs from that time.

2>Bryan Adams - Everything I Do
LOL, can you belive it? Song #1 was hard rock, this one is as soft as it gets. :) Well, who does not know about Everything I Do. Used to love this song as a kid, somewhere in between had sort of got bored listening to it hundreds of times over the years.
Yet, these days have started to like it again.

3> Karunesh - Solitude
Only One Advice: Lie your head back, sip cherry flavoured black tea and feel the music with this song! A stanza from this one..
Maut mujhko gavara hai lekin.. dil mein dard bankar aanewala ko.. kya karun dum nikalta nahin hai.. yeh muhje tadpane waale ko.. aapne aachal ka tukda
Amazing!!

Before I go.. thanks to all of you who posted in my favour in the previous poll. Now, you don't need to be told which options were in my favour, do you? ;)

Your valuable votes please!

2006-03-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

*Someone* has been disagreeing with me on this issue and I think the only way to resolve this is by public opinion :) Cast your vote and don't forget to write out your passionate feelings about this issue in the comments if the options available cannot express them ;)

Deja Vu.. kinda sucks

2006-03-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

We might have some moments of deja vu.. at times some minutes.. maybe a proper incident... but what when the whole day is one big deja vu?
Feels kinda draining. Somehow feeling it has happened before and then realizing it has not but you saw it somewhere. And then jolting back to present only to go to the next deja vu.

List

2006-03-16T10:34:00.000-08:00

Someone complained to me recently that I don't blog enough. You know who you are, here's a post just for you.

Frankly, I can't think of stuff to write about, so here's list; and since this is my blog, it's a list about me..
It's a list of umm.. lemme think.. things.. uh.. that I am looking forward to (or to do) in the coming year. In no particular order:

Rains
******************** [confidential]
Pass some actuarial exams
Lose weight
Read 'The Alchemist' (yeah, belive it, not read it yet)

It's poetry time again!

2006-03-11T07:44:00.000-08:00

They say history repeats itself,
Yet never expected to see me in someone else.

But he does what I did not,
Right? Wrong? Let's judge not..
His is the path,
Which follows the silent heart.

Salute! Young friend,
May your good times never end.

Let me end this post by giving you all an advice: Sometimes, despite how it looks, there is not choice, you are a slave to the situation and there is no alternate way. BUT MOSTLY THERE FUCKING IS.

Promise of the Rains

2006-03-10T02:16:00.000-08:00

An unexpected visit by rain God.. Amazing rains.. bang in the middle of January!! Wah wah.. kya baat hai...
Woke up to the sound of thunder, first I thought this time there's a blast near home, to be pleasantly surprised by this amazing weather.
Rain-memories have always carried a 'stickiness'.. they accumalate and keep coming back together during the rains, that's what made rains so special, and at the same time so sad, for me. But there's something more to it this rain, more than the memories I can feel a promise of future.
Kinda feels like I am repeating myself, especially if you were a regular reader, but yeah.. this is how the feeling goes for me right now.. anticipation. Of what? I don't know.. but I feel like there's answer lurking in the corner, I have to ask the right questions.

Song of the moment:

Bjork - I miss you

I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
So special
But it hasn't happened yet
You are gorgeous
But I haven't met you yet
I remember
But it hasn't happened yet

UPDATE: A pic of the rainbow formation yesterday: Click to see the rainbow pic

Still Haven't Found

2006-03-05T04:19:00.000-08:00

I wonder what Bono means to say in the song, 'I Still Haven't Found What I Am Looking For'..
Does he mean he has not found that thing what he is looking for? Or does he mean that he does not know what is it that he is looking for?
It's the latter in my case.

Something is... right!

2006-02-28T03:55:00.000-08:00

It's so usual to get that quesy unexplainable feeling suddenly without any reason that something is "wrong". Can't explain why but you know that something is wrong.

But sometimes, rather rarely, you get this feeling of something being "Right". Again, like it's counterpart you cannot explain it but you just know something's really right. And when the feeling remains even when you are in a local train at peak hours trying to keep your balance, something's really gotta be right.

No One Killed Jessica

2006-02-22T06:41:00.000-08:00

Wherever is it that we are born, be it in some palace, a shanty or just another of millions of so-called middle class homes, we are given a right which no one can take away from us. The right to dream.
We all dream. Many of us find in ourselves the courage to work and try to make those dreams a reality.
Sometimes we succeed.
Sometimes it takes more than just one try to succeed.
And sometimes, we get killed point blank for refusing a drunk any more booze.

Yesterday was reiteration of the fact that in this country justice is not equal for all. That in India, being a son of a minister you can crush away the life and dreams of just another ordinary girl who dreamt of modeling and who felt that extra money from bartending will help her in pursuit of her dreams.

This post is dedicated to Jessica Lal.

The title has been taken from Times of India, I still hate their marketing tactics, but the power of this news could not have been better stated.

New Skin

2006-02-18T07:24:00.000-08:00

Was never getting that feeling of 'my blog' since past few skins.. think I do this time..
Been working on this for a couple of hours now.

If everything in your life is going well, not rocking, not stalled, just going well.. and you are mostly content with it then, DO NOT WATCH Leaving Las Vegas. It's a good movie allright, but it's so disturbing and hard to shake it off your mind. Look at the effect it had on me that I had to change the skin of my blog :) No, seriously speaking, the movie just threw me head down into introspective mode, questioning every aspect of my life and where am I heading and what I want and a million more questions.

The biggest question of them all.. what are you searching?
I know deep inside there is something, something that I am looking for, a quest I have always been on. I still don't know what it is...

A Very Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-13T10:31:00.000-08:00

Have not been a big Valentine fan.. neither when I was in relationships on the VDays nor when I was single.. somehow did not see the point behind the whole hype.

But there's something about today. Can feel it under my skin.. it's just.. so very... 'Valentine'. You can feel it in the air, this so positively promising and lovely feel to the whole atmosphere. I am miserably failing to explain how and what I feel.. guess you just have to feel it to know it.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

More on Regret

2006-01-21T23:41:00.000-08:00

When you say you 'regret' something you did or did not do, remember that you are saying that you are not happy with the way life is right now.
Are you really not happy with the way your life is? I am not talking about some parts of it, but life as a whole; are you not happy with it? Think.
Yes, it's true some of the things you would like to have done differently. But it is not only the things that you did that you are happy with that define you, had you done things differently, smallest of the things, you would have been a very different person than what you are right now.
Do you really want to be different?

I Ran

2006-01-15T00:36:00.000-08:00

Mumbai Marathon 2006 - Dream Run (7 km)
Took me 62 minutes to complete it. Not the best of the finish times. But.. I Ran.
And the feeling is awesome. Raw, human, jubilant feeling. You have to run to understand.

Miss Misery

2006-01-07T03:44:00.000-08:00

Personally I think it's very wrong to post lyrics on the blog, have only ever done it once. But this beautiful Elliot Smith is playing in the background and I simply cannot help posting it here..
And it's not impersonal, I can very much relate to the lyrics and I think some of the readers would see why:

Miss Misery - Elliot Smith

I’ll fake it through the day
With some help from johnny walker red
Send the poison rain down the drain
To put bad thoughts in my head
Two tickets torn in half
And a lot of nothing to do
Do you miss me, miss misery
Like you say you do?

A man in the park
Read the lines in my hand
Told me I’m strong
Hardly ever wrong I said man you mean

You had plans for both of us
That involved a trip out of town
To a place I’ve seen in a magazine
That you left lying around
I don’t have you with me but
I keep a good attitude
Do you miss me, miss misery
Like you say you do?

I know you’d rather see me gone
Than to see me the way that I am
But I am in the life anyway

Next door the tv’s flashing
Blue frames on the wall
It’s a comedy of errors, you see
It’s about taking a fall
To vanish into oblivion
Is easy to do
And I try to be but you know me
I come back when you want me to
Do you miss me miss misery
Like you say you do?

Dreams

2006-01-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

How serious are you about what you dream? I, for one, have always belived my dreams to be patterns and messages that my inner unconscious self wants me to know, and more often than not rightful interpretation of dreams has always given me new insights as well as helped me out in troubled times.
I mean come on.. my nick is 'Lucidly Awake'.. OF COURSE I belive in power of dreams.

Wanted to write more, but it's 7:55 am running late.. will write more about it if I still find it relevant when I have time again.

This is how I feel..

2006-01-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

I feel not empty,
But lacking.
Wish I knew only,
What I was searching.

N-e-w

2005-12-26T08:47:00.000-08:00

Thrill of that,
Which you know not.
Chill of the winter,
Welcoming the frost.

Eyes asparkle,
Excited inside.
One of those few,
Welcoming all that's new.

Yes people.. am in the mood of everything new, fresh, unexplored... Starting it by a new blog skin, and that is only a start.
Am finally feeling like I am over all the past.

There is a feeling of new and it's overcome the last of the shreds of longing left behind in me. I still do cherish the past, but I no longer feel that anything that I have ever done could I have done any better.

The word of the moment is NOW. NOW is the time.. for change, to start something great, to be the person you have always wanted to be..

NOW......

Office Desk suggestions please.....

2005-12-23T23:12:00.000-08:00

Now all the stuff that the guy working before me has been cleared my desk is clean as a .. well a clean desk. Everyone has got some thing or the other attached on their desks, some one's got inspirational quotes, someone's got imp codes of our software, etc etc..

I have thought up of two things so far.. The 'All that is gold does not glitter..' poem from Lord Of The Rings and exam timetable for next six months' actuarial exams, someone suggest me what else can I put up?? something that matches my 'personality' as you see it :)

One week on..

2005-12-11T07:33:00.000-08:00

Completed one week of working.. it's fun so far.. actually am still in the training phase... let's see, am eagerly curious.

Nothing much else that I have to say right now.. more entries soon.

Excuse the silence

2005-09-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

Allright, first sorry about the previous post and keeping you all in suspense about why I posted that poetry. The thing's become so old it's no use stating it. Sorry about that..

About my extended silence, here's what I think about blogging and ourselves..
Feelings --Understand--> Yourself --Express--> Blog
The problem, is not in the 'express' part, but in the 'understand' part instead. I have lost touch with myself. So give me some more time...

In the mean while, don't forget to add your site to the Top Indian Blogs list.

Hoping the next post will be soon.
Yours Truly
Lucidly Awake

If

2005-08-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

If—
Author:Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And – which is more – you'll be a Man, my son!

Next Post: On why I posted this.

Amazing and Sad

2005-08-01T01:16:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how easy it is to fall into the quicksand of thoughts, plans, worries and other mind numbing activities centering around your career, your family, your websites, your friends, your plans, your education, your name, your well deserved break, your responsibilities, your future, your your your.

It's sad it takes a very sick aunt, an extremely disturbing nightmare, an obscure movie called Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron and a devastated, stoodstilled city to make you realize how close you have come to becoming one of the very people whom you so much despised.

Mumbai Rains

2005-07-27T02:34:00.000-07:00

At the time of writing this Mumbai city is completely wet. I would like to belive it is washing its sins away but am acutely aware that is simply not possible for this city which is (rightfully) blind to what exactly is a sin.

Back to where I was, right now the cable is gone, so is the net connection and so is my cellphone's network. I am still amazed that the net was working uptil an hour back, expected it to conk off much sooner. Also am surprised that I have got electricity over here, heard that half of Mumbai is in darkness today.

So I am in a very basic mode, just my PC working. Not connected. Worked on somethings that do not require to be online but it came an eye-opener as to how little can be achived without net.

Not feeling sleepy at all and having nothing to do I was going through Picasa (for non-geeks, Picasa is photo organizer which catalogues all the pics on your PC) and I came upon this pic. Of course I cannot say whose it was but it was someone with whom I have lost touch of late. Loosing touch by not getting time to talk is one thing, it happens quite frequently. But loosing touch by becoming a stranger to someone's feelings which you felt you understood and were so familiar with is very very sad.

This one is my favourite pic of hers. Been quite some time now, but the freshness of the pic, the emotions on the people in it and the kind of feelings it evoked in me have more or less stayed the same. And yet, everything has changed, were you to put me in same room with her I have not a clue what to say. Now, she's become a.. memory. A very good one, but ultimately a memory.

Call it the rain effect, but the first thing that came to my mind when this train of thoughts occured was, "I want to make more memories" and I cannot help feel so good about this random thought. I do, I really want to make more memories. It is definately the rain effect, they are cleaning up the dirt from our minds to make ourselves think clearly, think from 'inside'.

So here's one resolve in the lashing rains.. Let's make more memories.

Innocence / Ignorance

2005-07-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

Are they just the same thing we use differently depending on how much we like the person being addressed? Just some prejudices embedded in our minds while we were not even aware of?

Being in a realistic mood these days am tempted to say yes, but something inside tells me innocence is always there, ignorance passes with knowledge. Shape of your innerself which you can never change, if you are innocent you are (un?)lucky enough to stay so for life..

Comment Response System (Manual)

2005-07-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

I know I have never been of the type who always makes it a point to answer the comments, but then again it's been quite some time since I wrote anything substantial on the blog and even longer since I responded to the comments, so here goes:

For the post O v e r d u e
Arian: I have started blogging again.. waiting for you to do the same :-)

Angel: I was at Saj Resorts, it's between Panchgini and Mahabaleshwar.. I don't know when you gonna read this, after all you are an IITian now!

SV: Hey SV, get back to regular blogging, so yeah your blog is more informative than personal, but it's fun.. you can find that script here: http://bloggerhacks.blogspot.com/ it's a little quirky to install but once you get the hang of it there's nothing like it.

Johnnie Walker: Howddya like my newer look?

Alka: Thanks!

Sejal: Is this Sejal the ex-student of Ruia? Nice to have you hear and am glad you liked my site.. which one are you talking about though? Actuaries one or Ringtones one?

For the post Comeback of sorts:
Mridula: Thanks.. btw I visited your blog.. you can really be a proffessional travel blogger.

Shaima: Thank You! :-)

Aberrant: It's addressed to everyone who reads.. read it again once or twice to get the feel of it

Vanessa: exactly what I am saying..

UnderScore: Thanks man.. that site's my baby :)

Ok.. it's 4 am now.. just completed working on my 'bio site'(I think I am the only one using that term in this context), HardikThakkar.com.. so yeah that's my name. This is the first time I have used it directly on the blog, used to avoid it to prevent being googled about, but I hardly ever talk about people on the blog.. it's mostly feelings, so yeah.. gotta sleep now.. it's 4:10 now..

Comeback of sorts

2005-07-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

If you think you will not do, if you do you would have done it without thinkning. If you wait, then think and then do then you are too late. If you think quickly and do, you did not think it through properly, you might have as well not given it any thought.

So what do you do?

Maybe.. just maybe.. close your eyes, and become one with the All. Try it, let your instincts guide you.. you will be surprised at how precise and wonderful this dance of nature can be.

Close your eyes,
Come with me.
No, don't say 'but'.

Don't hold on to those ties,
Let go.. fall baby..
I promise it won't hurt.

P.S. : To all those who commented in earlier posts, I will be responding in the next one.

O v e r d u e

2005-07-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. umm... well...
It's been quite long.

Actually I was unknotting the all wired up brain.. I am looking at a break after some three years. But surprisingly just one week into this break I think I gotta get going again..
Which brings us to a very important question: Now what?
College is over, just gave some actuarial exams, rejected some job offers (some of them were *good* but clashed with my last week's exams) and here I am.
No, not tense, actually relaxed. Just taking my time, but at the same time can feel time flying by.

I had expected this to be bigger post than it is, but am simply at loss as to what to say. Guess the blogging part of my brain is, like me, still on vacation.

I am a MORON

2005-06-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

Song of the moment: 'I am going slightly mad' - Queen

I really am.. too many exams have started to take their toll on my sanity... whole time table's screwed up.. even when i am awake am hardly in senses.... forgot my best-friend's birthday.. :-((
Please visit his blog and tell him i am so sorry......

Interview [Updated]

2005-06-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

This is probably the last post I write until 21st of June.. exams are inching closer, not very well prepared, etc.
So I leave you with a potentially contoversial sensational interview.
This is part of the Interview Game more details about which can be found at the end of this post, questions courtesy of Johnnie Walker.

1. In your latest blog post, you allude to a possible conspiracy. What, in your opinion, is the biggest government conspiracy to date?

I was once in this project call 'Effects and Awareness of Terrorism on Minds of People of Mumbai', though the purpose of the project was to use our statistical skills we also had to do some dirty work: survey.
One respondent was, let's call him Mr V. Now, Mr.V is a quite well known person among the bussiness community, especially among the bankers and he can (in fact he has once) bring the all the public sector banks in the state to a standstill. This explains why I am not going to reveal his identity. The survey itself took the longest time with him, he used to talk to us a lot in between questions. Most surveys took 10-15 mins, with him it took us 1.5 hours.
Once of the things he talked about was the US Government's 9/11 conspiracy, here it goes:

About the Towers: "Is it not funny that not one tourist, not one amatuer movie-maker, no one at all in the whole New York was filming when the first tower crashed? The tower is part of the NY skyline and is visible from almost anywhere in the city, then how come no video has ever surfaced? If Mr V is to be belived all the videos that were ever there were confisticated. Except one, for which the owner did not contact the news-channels. (The details of which were available on http://frame21.cjb.net but now the US government seem to have got to the website owners too.) According to that site and Mr V, the explosives were already in there when the plane crashed. US Gov had co-operated with the attackers, this is even more evident when two FBI agents came out in 2003 claiming they had warned their bosses of terrorist attack using airplanes months before 9/11.
The purpose behind doing this can be seen in the present day, the attacks gave the government to wage two wars in less than five years. Some analysts say Bush could have never been re-elected had it not been for the Iraq war (the old sense of security manipulation)"

About the Pentagon crash: "The US Gov got double crossed on this one, this was not the part of the plan. It is highly unclear if it was really a plane attack of some missile, whatever it was unlike 9/11 this was NOT what government had expected. And several important CIA agents were lost in this, the impact of the crash was much more than what had been shown out.
If you would have followed the news channels closely, then just after the two towers details of the Pentagon crash started coming in and then stopped abruptly until next day. This was government censoring to coverup."

2. Who do you think is behind the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, and why?
I think it was the FBI or CIA, and they must have done it for the good of the country (like Deep Throat). There has been a lot of talk about JFK taking cokes, always drunk, etc. Also his lialisions with the infamous mafia lords, Marilyn Monroe, must have made him very vulnerable to pressures from outside.

3. Do you believe that the government is covering up the existence of UFOs (Unidentified Flying Objects)? If so, how far do you think the coverup extends? Do you believe (as I do) that our government is in contact with aliens?
Frankly, I think all this sounds quite good in X-Files but in real life it seems rather irrational to think like that. There might be so many technical problems in communication. Also the development of Aliens, if they exist, might be on entirely different basis. Eg Aliens might be living on some Jupiter's moon near the core and may kill each other as a sport (because they reproduce in abundance).

4. If you were to encounter an alien, what would your first words be to him/her/it?
Hey.. how about outsourcing your actuarial work to Earth?

5. If an alien offered you a chance to travel the cosmos with his/her/its companions, the only catch being that you would not see the planet Earth again for the remainder of your life, would you embark on this voyage?
Hmm.. No.. I think the vastness and beauty of Earth and people in it is very much worth one lifetime.

The Official Interview Game Rules

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying “interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions — each person’s will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Update: First Tower Crash Video
911Review.org

deja vu (bad)

2005-05-30T03:01:00.000-07:00

I am starting to suspect there is some conspiracy behind the whole life thing.
There seem to be some triggers in the life headquaters to fuck up my site when there is less than a month left for my exams and I am not too well prepared. Sounds familiar? I bet it does, it happened in March (click to see).
I remember all the supportive comments from you readers, thanks to stupid haloscan I cant even read them.
Anyway this time the problem seems to have supernatural origins, my hosting provider says everything is ok from his side, I myself dont cant see what the fuck the problem is, but the site simply wont load...
Try it for yourself..
Fuck.. Shit.. what to do.... I think I will watch Bunty aur Babli.

Some songs describing my mood

2005-05-29T11:42:00.000-07:00

'Am loooooosing you....
Oh uh yeah loooosing you..
Love the sweetest thing.....'
-- Sweetest Thing / U2

'That's me in the corner..
That's me in the spotlight...
Losing my religion...
..
I thought that I heard you sing..
I think I thought I saw you try..
But that was just a dream..
That was just a dream...
Just a dream..'
-- Losing My Religion / R.E.M.

Random News [Updated]

2005-05-19T06:40:00.000-07:00

Some news from the life of Lucidly Awake

MissSatan, aka Krithika in the comments of many posts here, shuts down blog.
After a colourful 8 months in the blogosphere, MissSatan finally says goodbye to blogging. Among the many reasons as told to this reporter is that she will be doing her PG starting next week and she won't be getting time to blog anymore.
But if some insider sources are to be belived(Mr Instinct and Mr Com Mon Sense), then it is some unwelcome guests on her blog that made her take the big step.
Lucidly Awake News team wishes MissSatan well.

'Did I not just give lot of exams?'
As Lucidly Awake asks himself this rhetorical question time ticks very quickly. As of writing this report, less than 30 days left for Lucidly Awake's actuarial exams.
With almost half the portion remaining, Lucidly Awake's decision to continue writing silly blog posts that feel like a bad regional tabloid don't fail to invoke criticism.

Stupid brother pisses off potentially big news.
You would have probably read some hot news like the other two in this space. Too bad. My younger bro to blame.

Update: Miss Satan has not left the blogosphere for good. Journalist integrety prevents this reporter from divulging any more information. ;-)

Intutive horny flashbacks

2005-05-15T01:43:00.000-07:00

Happened a couple of days back, I was at my Java tutorials, and suddenly I just have this flashback from about 3 years back, a very unusual flashback one with all the senses.. smell, sight, etc, sorta like flashback with special effects.
I cannot write the contents of the said flashback unless I put up a 'Enter only if you are above 18' warning on this site :-)
So yeah.. big deal, huh?
Here's the big deal.. I go home, check my mail, to find her 'Hey, lets be friends' mail! If that is not enough of a shocker, the timestamp on the mail is the same time as I got that flashback!!

Choosing the roads

2005-05-10T02:01:00.000-07:00

It's funny I have done so much of Decision Theory last year and yet it is so hard to decide upon something. Ok, DT requires all your choices to be objective and quantifiable, in real life everything is subjective, we are slaves to our feelings.
Let this post be a reminder for me in the future that if I happen to regret what I am planning to do (or rather not do I should say), then this is my OWN choice, I am aware of the fact that this co-incides with what some very close people want me to do but I am doing this out of my own thoughts and out of what I consider to be the best (for others as well as myself).
Reiterating this for myself in conversation style:
'If you are reading this months after this was posted, and if you are regretting what you did at the time of this post, don't you dare put the blame of the choice on anyone but you. You, in your sane [maybe slightly schizophrenic :-)] state of mind had decided to do this, and frankly there is little chance you are actually regretting, and if at all I think everything will turn out for the best. No I know it will turn out for the best. Rock on man.'

Choice. The problem is choice. - Neo

On foxy girls and pants

2005-05-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

The day started much more sleepier than usual, woke up at eight and had to reach adjacent town at eleven, not late but really really sleepy.. almost fell asleep in the bath, actually feel asleep while changing, again fell asleep while reading the morning paper.. so basically it was a super-sleeper day.
In that half awake state somehow managed to get to the bus-stop, and in the front of the queue is this really hot girl.. and then the bus came. It was a relatively awake bus ride, partly because of that girl and partly because a friend was coming along.
Then came the railway station.. I was amazed.. myself on time! I still had twenty minutes and that place took around 10 minutes from the station.
Like it happens it the movies, that girl alighted at the station too. It was hard to keep my eyes off the girl. More that herself, the reason was that the sleep deprived mind was not very ready to concentrate on the complex process involving walking on the station road on the peak hours.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain on my thigh, looking down I find that there was this sharp screw like thing on back of some auto which I just passed which had ripped a big cut on my pant! The drowsiness, the girl, everything dispersed into thin of the air in that split second.
So here I was, standing in middle of this incredibly crowded road in fata hua pants, and this loyal friend of mine was roaring with laughter.
Any guesses what I did then? Returned home of course, I reached home at eleven and there was no chance of reaching the destination at time.
I kept the pants on for quite some tie then, made me feel like a cowboy. (Though that was not exactly what I felt back in the public.)

Nightly Poetry

2005-04-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

After a long time, this is one of those compulsory posts, the spontaneous, unplanned kind..

It's 3:34 am right now, 30 minutes back I (half) completed what I planned to study today and thought it was time to hit the sack, boy how wrong was I. So like I do everyday, I started closing the windows, turning off the lights and stuff, when I noticed the moon.. I had noticed it earlier today too, it was so bright and enchanting today; and I thought how would this look with the lights off.. so there it was windows full open and the lights turned off.. the end result? The room was illuminated with moonlight in such a gothic way, I cannot even describe the beauty and serenity of the whole scene. Except maybe in a poetic way:

Untitled

Moon on top
Mountain on side
Can you hear the rhythm of silence
When you sit beside?

There are colours of dark
Don't be scared
And there are winds
In the still of the air.

Come, sit beside me
Let me show you the night
I will take you on a flight
Of real fantasy.

Wait, if I must
I will
In the company of
Moon Litted Dark Hill..

Myself and 'love'

2005-04-19T07:28:00.000-07:00

There has been going on quite a lot of activity in comments about 'love'.. I thought rather than I answer to each of your comments individually, I will write this.

Uptil very recently (which is much after I was supposedly in love once), I never could find an expression for what I mean by 'love'. Then I came upon this:

Love is a rebellious bird
That nothing can tame,
And it is simply in vain to call it
If it is convenient for it to refuse.
Nothing will work, threat or pleading,
One speaks, the other stays quiet;
And it's the other that I prefer
He said nothing; but he pleases me.

Love! Love! Love! Love!
Love is the child of the Bohemian,
It has never, never known any law,
If you don't love me, I love you,
If I love you, then you take care!

The bird you thought to surprise
Batted its wing and flew away;
Love is far away, you can wait for it;
If you wait for it no more, it is there!
All around you, quickly, quickly,
It comes, goes, then it comes back!
You think to hold it, it avoids you;
You think to avoid it, it holds you!

Love, love, love, love!
Love is the child of the Bohemian,
It has never, never known any law,
If you don't love me, I love you,
If I love you, keep guard on yourself!

Do you know what the above words are from?
I have not asked you 'Can you tell me..' that's just a google search away, but do you know? And, whether you do or not, do you feel that inherent spirit of love in these words? That 'game-of-hearts' kind of feel..

The Lake

2005-04-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

Listening to 'Dust in the wind' by Kansas right now.. I just have to write this:

The Lake

The Lake is magical, time stops here. Even today the air is same like it was so many years back; just enough chilly so that you could feel the coolness touch you beneath your clothes. The sun was minutes from setting, just the time it used to be.
'Step back, you don't really want to go there' a voice in him said. But today he was not going to listen to that shrewd voice. He stepped further towards the Lake as he reached the spot. How could he ever forget this spot, he thought to himself.
Again thoughts of going back crossed his mind, but some force, which he could swear was as much physical as spiritual, made him sit down on that rock.
It was so much the same, same weather, same time, same view of the calm lake, except that today he was alone.
Seconds, minutes and hours passed. He was not recalling the past, neither regretting any decisions, just sitting there, thoughts had long since left occurring. He was just staring at the lake, staring at the lack of movement, staring at nothingness. Now it was dark, he knew this darkness and the silence associated with it very well.
He could hear the footsteps, they were the same.. could it be her?
"Hello Michael" came the angelic voice, it was her. He dreaded it, but turned back. It was her, clad in that white dress he had gifted her on her birthday during their last year together.
"Reena" was all he could say.
"How are you doing love?"
"I am doing ok.. got a transfer to Delhi.. today is my last day in this town."
"Do you miss me?"
"..."
"Come on sweetheart, answer me.. do you miss me?"
"What would I be doing here if I did not.. I miss you everytime I breath"
"I miss you too"
Like the most natural thing he stretched out his hands to hold her, but she backed off before he could.
Anxiously she started "I knew I will find you here, I am here to tell you something.. Listen to me carefully, you and I lived in the best way together that we could.. I could not have been happier than I was with you, and you, you could never have done anything other than what you did.. you could not have saved me. Now go.. go and live well, that is what I would be most happy to see you do."
"But I cannot live without you."
"Don't say that.. you can and are going to live a great life. I lived mine, now it's your turn."
"I have to ask you for one thing.. a parting kiss, we never got a chance.."
As if she was already expecting this, she swiftly leaned forward and the quivering lips met.
That old sensation ran through his body again, but just for a fraction of the smallest unit of time. Then there was nothing, thin air. He opened his eyes to find her gone.

Michael D'Souza's Diary
19/11/2002
No, I was not drunk, I was not hallucinating, I have never doped and don't ever plan to either. Reena had come to me yesterday at the Lake.
I had lied to the shrink, to everyone else and possibly myself that I do not hold myself responsible for her death. Now I don't.

Hum labon se keh na paaye unse haal - e - dil kabhi

2005-04-12T05:15:00.000-07:00

I cannot really afford blogging right now, but I just happened to listen to 'Hoshwalon Ko Khabar Kya..', I used to like this song, then I forgot about it.. just now I happened to switch to my super-big playlist in WinAmp and this beautiful little song popped up..

And this oh so beautiful line in oh so painful-and-yet-relaxed voice of Mr Jagjit Singh.. "Hum Labon se keh na paaye unse haal e dil kabhi.. Aur mausam jee nahin yeh, khamoshi kya cheez hai" instantly reminds me of BB.

Now, about BB.. I am sure everyone (at least every guy) must have had at least one such super-crush in his life where you are just speechless in front of that person.. you like that person so much that you are afraid to go anywhere near them.. and most often (and probably fortunately) you never ever talk to them.. just like the song goes.. Hum labon se keh na paaye.. unse haal-e-dil kabhi.. BB was this super crush of mine. The timing was rather bad for such super-crushes, right when I was in middle of a relationship I still I have clue how or why I got into..
And she was soooooooo soooooooo I-dont-have-the-word.
I would not really call it love.. I belive to love someone you have to know that person, but BB was like a fresh little school boy crush. Things were never in favour of that happening really, I was in a relationship.. I found out she was in one too, in fact to my dismay her history was not-something-she-would-be-proud-of, to put it lightly. I was in stats.. she was in psychology, if I would be orange, she would apple.. whatever I was she was the complete opposite, yet I was smitten, in Godfather terminology I was thunderstruck.. there is not logical explaination as to what was it about her that attracted me so much.. or why.. or anything at all...

So what did I do?
Hello.. pay a little attention to what I have written more than 3 times already.. hum labon se keh na paaye unse haal e dil kabhi :-) Not that I never tried, in fact she was more than receptive in whatever I tried to do (of course she had a hint, the way I behaved stealing glances and all).. and probably there would have been something had I been a little more.. I dont know.. little more trying.
But then, there were some problems which I would rather not write about here and I had to put in a lot of my time and energy some place else.. later on she left the college..

I really don't regret anything, it was kinda sweet actually. And the sweetness of it has been etched down in gold because there is not link to her in anyway right now except through memories.

Reading back up, I think this is probably the most impulsive post I have ever written.. By now the song has been repeated more than 6 times, I got exams tomorrow... so gotta go...

I am not too sure whether I am going to click on post or simply delete the entire thing.. if you happen to be reading this then I have clicked on 'post'..

Buy Sarfarosh CD (the one featuring this song)

Apart from Haloscan..

2005-04-10T02:29:00.000-07:00

I expected practicals to be like peice of cake.. well they are like a peice of multi-flavoured ice-cream, some part of it you just love, and others you kinda have to eat it. So yeah, it is taking up my time next post will probably be after 17th.

Random Self News: Got a hair-cut, coz we got vivas in practicals where I want to look like a 'good boy' in front of the external examiners. But one of these days I will really have to go to the saloon with a total determination to cut my hair short, I intended to this time but my stylist started telling me 'why do you want to cut so smooth and silky hair short?' and all that stuff and right now I dont look much different from the pic in the header, maybe just an inch or two shorter.
Not that I don't like long hair but it's been two whole long-hair years, except for the Lakshya cut for a short while in between and now everyone's keeping their hair long, and one thing I cannot be is common. :-)

Haloscan SUCKS

2005-04-10T02:18:00.000-07:00

Many blogger users prefer Haloscan comments over the rather unfeatured blogger commenting system, here is my two peices of advice to ye all... Don't do it.
Haloscan, deep inside it's FAQ mentions, "..and yes, if you want your comments to stay for more than 4 months you gotta pay up." What crap!

I would recommend everyone to use Metamorphis Blogger Comments Hack which makes some changes in blogger comment system and makes it properly featured (better than haloscan). Although you will need to do some adjusting by yourself in the template, at any given day it is recommanded over the ransom like nature of Haloscan. It's completely free and I recommand donating to the guy who came up with this briliiant idea rather than giving Haloscan a dime.

Honestly speaking..

2005-03-31T03:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, very rarely, when things look greyer than usual I get a feeling of having missed out on somethings because of all the duties and obligations. Of course I never make the blasphemous mistake of thinking of not getting "what I deserve" or being "less blessed", I am very well aware of all the pain and suffering, but still sometimes it gets me.. pure envy of those who are more well-endowed (at least from the point of view of an outsider).
Yesterday I had to go to some of those places which were a commonplace during the time when I feel I 'missed out' the most. And the realization dawned upon me like the simplest of the things, I would have never done the things that I did not do, even if I had the time or resources to. Every thing that I have/had taken upon me, every such 'duty' and 'obligation' is out of nothing by pure choice, never as the only way out.

Hmm... those are some strong thoughts for a post after almost a month. :-) Well, my exams are over, theory exams that is, I still got my practicals and vivas. Anyways you gonna see more of me now.

Monotony at it's very best.

2005-03-01T04:02:00.000-08:00

First, the good news.. [for hindi movie freaks out there, NO, by good news I do not mean I have become a father] <= Did this joke suck big time or what?
Anyway, back to the good news.. site is back. Yoo-hoo..

Now, the other news: NOTHING
I suddenly seem to have been transformed in some Seinfeld episode, minus all that fun. Nothing is the word/feeling/emotion of the moment.

I got university exams in less than twenty days. I should really be studying quite hard at this point of time, but I am not :-)

Well, nothing to blog about.
Correction: Nothing I feel like blogging about.
Correction #2: I don't feel like doing nothing.

A bit unfair in the other way..

2005-02-24T22:46:00.000-08:00

Man, I started it again.. whine-posting. Last post is one big whine post. :-)

I think things are quite ok.. no the website is not back up, if my hosting provider is to be believed then there is fat chance that most of the previous data would be recovered. Let's see..

I got that signature that I was talking about without any problem at all.

About the whole world is a bit unfair thing, I think it is unfair in the sense that I am on the privileged side, you know those who get more than what they deserve. All of you who can read this are. I mean come on, there are people dying of hunger in Africa, or even in Bombay , so the very fact that you can read and write and that you have internet access means world is unfairly tilted on your side.

Song recommendation of the moment: Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)
Here are the lyrics and the story of origin of this wonderful song:

The supposed chain of events surrounding the creation of the song, Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen), aka "Sunscreen", is an interesting story in itself. In 1998 a student found the 1997 Mary Schmich column in the Chicago Tribune in which she gave advice to her audience in the style of a graduation speech. The student sent it via the internet all over world, gave the authorship credit to Kurt Vonnegut, and said it was a commencement address given by Vonnegut at MIT. Movie director Baz Luhrmann discovered this internet work just when he happened to be doing a remix of a 1992 dance hit "Everybody's Free (To Feel Good)." Luhrmann immediately saw some possibilities and, within one day, he hired an actor to read the text against a remixed musical background and the song was born.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97, Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future or worry that know that worrying is as affective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind. The kind that blindsides you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other peoples' hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealously, sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the "Funky Chicken" on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can, don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance.
Even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room.
Read the directions even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Chorus
Brother and sister together will make it through,
Some day a spirit will take you and guide you there,
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out, whenever I ca-a-an

Get to know your parents.
You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings.
They are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go.
But a precious few, who should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain alible truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse but you'll never know when either one will run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're forty, it will look eighty-five.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia.
Dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.

Chorus

Everybody's Free, oh yeah, to feel good, ohhhhh, to feel good.

Lucidly Awake signing off... (hopefully next post will be titled "Site is back!!")

Buy the CD here:

Or, the book Mary Schmich (writer of lyrics)

Sometimes the world is a bit unfair..

2005-02-21T07:38:00.000-08:00

My beloved website is down (Not this, this is a blog, the other ringtones website of mine) for no fault of mine, the hard drive of my hosting provider crashed and he says the backup was also in the same drive (yeah, right).. so most probably the entire three months worth of stuff is lost.

It sounds very convenient of me, but I was really planning to create an extra-backup-just-in-case just last week. But then this stupid ISP of mine was not working since one week. That itself was weird experience, access to internet has become so much a part of everyday life that even one week without it was.. umm.. incomplete.

So here I stand, Prasad managed to get my site address printed in the posters and brochures of techfest in his college and now the site is down.

To add to my list of woes, though for this one I confess I myself am to blame, is this submission I had today which I could not reach on time, now I will have to go tomorrow and the person whose signature is gonna matter the most is Prof D. If you would be stalkingly obsessively following my blogs you might have found out entries in my old blog about Prof D (I searched but could not find). Anyway to make the long story short, Prof D is a great guy and an excellent professor, but somehow there has always been a degree of coldness between us. No, that does not mean I am not a bad guy, but like it sometimes happens with some teachers you just cannot build that rapport(I guess my below 50% attendance does not exactly help). And I would be lying if I said I am even a little apprehensive that he might not give me the sign tomorrow.

Ah well.. so much for now.. I have not been able to comment or even read most of blogs of friends, I guess this post would explain my stand.

Haiku Time!

2005-02-11T13:07:00.000-08:00

I look into the mirror

To find a stranger stare at me

Not shaved since last week

When I was 18

2005-02-09T04:38:00.000-08:00

Nothing to write about at all. No, there are some things, but I would rather not talk about them here. Apart from that, Nothing to write about at all.

While I am at it, this is all my blog-friends you must have noticed my absence in your comments (I hope you noticed), well the thing is that I am quite busy these days completing journals that should not have been incomplete at the first place. Also, I got to study.. University exams are less than 45 days away now. In other words I am kinda screwed. So kindly understand.

You are screwed man..

This sentence brings back some great memories.. when I was 18, when I did not really care about hell too many things. It was beautiful really, must have been around this time of the year. In one of those rare days when I went actually inside the college building I heard the news that there's gonna be some sorta Math submission.

I used to hang around with Arts people at that time so I asked around for Math students and came upon this group of 6-7 people, luckily I knew one of them and there I went asking for assignment papers for photocopying.

"Which ones do you want?", asked this guy I knew.
"Umm.. which one's are available?"
"I have completed two, this girl here has two and this guy has three.."
"Wait a minute.. how many fucking assignments are we supposed to submit???" now I had started to get a little alarmed.
"Where were you the whole year man? We were given one assignment every month or so?"
"You are screwed man.. you are screwed.", came this smart guy from nowhere.
"Fuck" I was speechless (except the golden eff word of course)
"Well.. tomorrow is the submission, there must be approx 150 pages, do whatever you can. There you go."

It's hard to belive it now, or even try to understand how, but somehow I was not worried anymore. As if saying fuck really loud made it for me.

So then I went back to my friends from Arts.. had a nice sandwich.. talked about all the crap 18 year olds do and reached home at about six in the evening.

Spent one full hour finding this R&B MP3 Cd I had bought from a Gujrat village. (The reason I had bought it was I found the idea amusing, R&B CD in a remote Gujrat village, but it was there.. the seller did not have no clue whatsoever what he was selling, but I saw it, a R&B Cd where how they serve food is a sureshot anti-appetizer [another post another day about my adventure of 'meal invitation' in that village] ). So where was I? Yeah I found the CD after about an hour.

Then I started, boom-box full volume and jotting down all those numbers without any idea whatever the hell I was writing.

I finished at 4 next morning. (having taken quite a few breaks in between)

What really gets me is.. what the hell happened in the last two years? I mean I was this cool guy who never got worried, never ever. It's not that I did not have problems, but there was this infinite optimism. Almost reaching the levels of over-confidence. But it was well worth it.
Now, I worry about the tiniest of the things.. I would really like to be that guy again.. if not infinite I would like to get M amount of optimism, where M is a very large number.... uh oh.. it does kinda show that I have been doing a lot of stats lately, huh? :-)

Anyways, I will get back to my stuff (and try not to be too serious about it)...

Parting Observation #1: Funny, I said 'Nothing to write about' at the start of this post, am changing the title of the post.

Parting Observation #2: Whats the deal with Dragonball Z? Those characters die and keep getting wished back using dragon balls? Is there any jap anime at all which makes sense? (Animatrix was cool, but thats not purely japanese, right?)

Still Sane

2005-01-25T06:47:00.000-08:00

Ok people.. thanks for being concerned and the emails / offline messages. I am still sane, very much in good health and last post was the result of my attempt to blog in less than 10 minutes after learning that I flunked an actuarial exam. On the brighter side I passed one too.

Anyways, I am not deleting the previous post, such posts are the milestones in self-assessment. Well, that's it for now.

When you are going through hell, keep going. (Though frankly I ain't feeling that bad at all, nothing like hell or anything.. Just liked the quote..)

A letter, to me..

2005-01-24T05:57:00.000-08:00

First of all, be thankful.. to whatever 'Force' you belive in, to your God, to whatever... be thankful that you cleared one of the two.

(Thanks)

Now, calm down.

So people fail. It's ok. You cleared one failed one. Life is nice. Beautiful.

You failed 102 twice too.. but you did not give up.. you see you are not born to be one of those give-uppers, that's what makes you so special. That last dim light, it never goes off in you.

That being said, I will not waste your time no more, you got a lot of work to do, lots of things to plan out and lots of studies to do.

Anti-Climax

2005-01-15T04:20:00.000-08:00

Things are pretty anti-climax since last few days. And I hate anti-climax.
Climax is good, though when it ends you feel a bit sad about it ending.
Litte high, little low.. like the Freddy Mercury song goes is pretty ok too, nothing unusual but livable.
Umm.. What other states are there.. day-after-insomanic night is good, almost gives you a high of some kind. Sporty is good, I just discovered how nice playing TT feels. Worky is not that bad, makes you feel worthy. Ah-well-life-is-like-that is ok too, so is the newly discovered highly-critical-of-every-living-soul.. In fact almost all states of being are nice..
..but anti-climax. It sucks.

Untitled

2005-01-08T05:02:00.000-08:00

There is darkness all around. I get an vague idea how the blind must be living. I am tired, very tired. I try to call for you.. but the strangest thing, I don't remember your name. I am amazed and panicked. How did I forget your name? What am I gonna do now?

I try to scream Help, but the words don't come out. I know I will only be able to call your name and nothing else. But I don't remember it. I have it on the tip of my tongue. I recall it deep inside, but I can't get to mouth it.

Dumb and blind, I must find my way. Already at the surface of flowing water I take a step forward. Thud. Knee deep in water, unable to see and speak. I am not afraid, just hopeless.

I take one more step. I am deeper in. Suddenly it occurs, this might in fact be the end. The next step might be my last.

I do not move. Not afraid, not hopeful. Not recalling the moments of my life so far. No longer struggling to remember your name. Just stationary. I close my eyes, not that it makes a difference in this dark.

My mind sings a song, not in any langauge I ever knew, but the sweetest song I have ever heard. Unconsciously my foot starts to take a step forward, I realize it now, but I don't stop myself.

I know I am going to go deep down. I know I stand at the edge. Wait. Sweet earth meets the surface of my foot. No, it's not a trick. I am on dry ground, and wait.. it's the dawn.. it's cracking. Sky turns light orange and the air turns festive.

I say it, my first words in the rebirth, "Beautiful Life".

Inside-head Conversations

2005-01-04T04:13:00.000-08:00

'Does being strong for your loved ones mean you are not allowed to be weak even with yourself?'
'But why would you want to be weak in the first place?'
'I meant weak in the context as to being able to see your shortcomings.'
'The ability to see one's shortcomings is a trait of the strong.'
'Then why does it feel weak when I do?'
'Because your strength sometimes defines you rather than you defining your strength.'

Happy New Year

2005-01-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

So it's started: twenty-o-five.

I respect 2004 like the sailors respect water. Now please don't make any unintended comparisions to the tsunami and tell that I am insensitive. Yeah, so where was I? Like the sailors respect water; the very water which drowns them and which brings them fame at the same time.
2004 was like 2000. So how was 2000? I remember describing this to a friend, 2000 was FULL of BIG BIG ups and downs. 2004 saw a lots of downs too. Thats where the similarity ends.

What am I writing?

I had planned a 'most rememberable moments of 2004' or some shit like that.. no a lot of good things did happen.. oh.. that beautiful applause and the subsequent 'that was amazing' comments after that presentation in Jan.. then those beautiful summer nights I witnessed when I had fucked up my sleep schedule whole of summer.. and a few more things..

But at the same time there was tremendous pressure and stress this year too. So much that I would not like to tlak about it. So much that I misspell 'talk'.

So about the new years party.. no there was no party.. it was an adventure. I don't wanna talk about that either.

So what do I wanna talk about? I just wanna say (after declaring in this bracket that I am not drunk or anything) that I respect 2004. Like the sailors respect the sea.

Thank you 2004... Welcome 2005.

The End

2004-12-31T05:01:00.000-08:00

THIS POST HAS BEEN DELETED TO AVOID POTENTIAL COMPLICATIONS / MISUNDERSTANDINGS IN REAL LIFE OF THE BLOGGER.

Some of the most awkward moments:

2004-12-30T04:20:00.000-08:00

...when you are waiting for an expected call, but still trying to convince your self that you are not really waiting.

...when you happen to get a seat in train/bus opposite to someone you had cut off all relations with.

...when you are having a streak of extra-energy, but can't find enough resources to channel it.

...when you pretend to yourself that you are blogging while doing the point number one mentioned above.

...when even after the self-critical point as above you continue shitting with your keyboard, simple because you don't know what else to do.

...~~when it strikes that the phone call may never come.~~

...when it strikes that negative thinking sucks, so you strike out the above point.

...when you finally decide to stop this before you do more damage

2004-12-26T23:41:00.000-08:00

This post is dedicated to all those who suffered in yesterday's disaster.

The Drive

2004-12-25T02:32:00.000-08:00

THIS POST HAS BEEN DELETED TO AVOID POTENTIAL COMPLICATIONS / MISUNDERSTANDINGS IN REAL LIFE OF THE BLOGGER.

Because I Can

2004-12-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

'Because I Can' was the answer Jerry Seinfeld gave to Oprah in the 'Seinfeld Reunioun Special' when she asked why he tore down the $50m house he bought and reconstructed it. There seemed some humour in the sentence, but his pride was very well showing.

It is really moments like this which really boost your morale to 'do something'.. to work towards your goals.

Someday I might answer in some silly talk show when asked why I spent a whole lot of money literally down the drain... 'Because I Can' :-)

Back to reality.. it's 3:37 right now, gotta sleep...

Only thing better than pic from 'Carrie'...

2004-12-22T05:36:00.000-08:00

..is my own pic!!

Call it the height of self-appreciation, call me an ego-manic, call me anything... but look at the pic while you do that :-)

Seriously speaking.. to get the same kind of 'there-and-yet-not-so' feeling I got from that Sissy Spacek pic really needed some mirror effects, and I searched and I searched but could not find anything satisfying enough on the net, so this idea struck me... I can model for my own blog!

Anyways, this is probably the last post to deal with the blog-skin for sometime.. serious blogging starts tomorrow.

On the other hand.. what is my 'serious blogging'??? Looking back a few posts it seems I have made this blog my whine-machine.. well, thats gonna change, just like the blog - skin. Oh no.. not the skin again.. my fingers have a power.. blogskin blogskin... ugh..... of their own... I gotta ....... blog blog blog skin skin skin..... end this post..... blogsk.......

Moderately Democratic Blog

2004-12-19T23:48:00.000-08:00

Ok.. about the Sissy Spacek pic. Every one has a movie that 'saved' him/her.. if you do you will know what I mean. Deep down inside I know that it's not the movie that saves you, but the fact that it makes sense when most things cease to that gives you strength at desparate times.

Nevertheless the movie Carrie is very close to my heart, and when I finally remade the template I felt something like 'Yea.. this is my blog.' But then again a girl's pic on the header does tend to give an impression that this is a girl's blog. Having been a sensitive person all my life I have many times been teased upon on this matter in my younger years, yes I have learnt the importance of being yourself, but I have also learnt that sometimes you gotta act insensitive and arrogant.

So.. it's gonna be democratic.. the readers of this blog get to have their say whether to keep the pic or not. I am not saying that I am surely gonna remove the pic if poll tilts on that side, but the results will affect my final decision, so go ahead have your say.. vote!!....

Does the Sissy Spacek pic make the blog look sissy (forgive the pun)?
No, not at all.
Yes, but in a metrosexual way.
Yes man.. do something.

Current results

FULLSTOP. Next sentence, start with capital letter...

2004-12-19T07:01:00.000-08:00

This is how one of my teachers used to dictate the answers in primary school. So the next sentence starts now with new template, ain't it just super-cool? I made it.. almost, it was another template looking very very different, modified it..

So probably the thing of intrigue is Sissy Spacek staring in the mirror in the header, Prasad thinks it makes the blog look as if it belongs to a gal... thinking clearly i think he is right... well I am gonna do something about it, soon enough, but not the pic wont go. This is a still from the movie Carrie. One of my favourites.. more about it when I make some changes.......

regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret

2004-12-11T03:35:00.000-08:00

it's really funny... everytime u do something largely regretful u feel that this time's regret has without doubt surpassed the amount of regret you felt last time. so in other words just like growing up means continously adding up to our age, it also means adding up, in dircreet irregular pattern, to the maximum regret you have ever had..
someday all that regret might burst me up

Been a long break, huh?

2004-11-28T08:42:00.000-08:00

Had been to Varca Beach at Goa.. I should tell you all... Varca is one of the most beautiful, pure beach with sand that literally looks like silver. No, it is not a hotspot for parties and drugs, one of the few beaches of Goa that has escaped it, just a heaven for naturalists. Here's a poetry I wrote sitting on the beach just feeling it...

Master

Strokes of a Master painter,
Uncapturable by the human eye,
What are we,
You and I?

Are we just pawns?
I would say not,
We are a mute audience,
Who like to talk a lot.

Sounds of a Master recordist,
Not heard by the ears we have,
Drowning out the cries,
Of pain and of love.

Air, cool air,
Breezing through my hair,
What can I do,
But see..

See into empty infinite sea,
And one lonely boat,
Strengthening me,
For my own road.

SACHIN TENDULKAR MADE ME EAT CHICKEN BIRYANI!!!!!

2004-11-15T01:01:00.000-08:00

With both my exams over, one having been really nice and other not bad either, and with all the auspicious days around when my brother suggested eating out at the newly opened outlet of 'Sachin's' in our town I thought the idea was quite good, boy I had no idea what was coming my way.
Now, let me tell you all something about my eating habits.. in short and simple words I am a pure vegetarian. And I am a very sensitive vegetarian.. I remember about 9 or 10 years back we had gone on a family trip to Goa, I was 10 or 11 then and while strolling on a beach I happened to step on a dead fish, that was it for me I was wailing for four full hours, even after that every now and then I would remember it and start weeping again, my cousins still don't leave any chance to laugh at me reminding me of that day.
In the present day I am not THAT sensitive, nevertheless I find the idea of eating something that had all the five senses and used to walk around a bit unnerving.
Now, back to yesterday (I think you must have started to get a hint what this is all about).. the food here was quite cheap compared to the Colaba outlet of Sachin's; sounds like price discrimination but when you are getting it cheap who's complaining. After a rather nice-tasting Corn Palak and Panner Makhanwaala along with Garlic Naan, we decided to order Veg. Lucknowi Biryani which, as the name goes, is vegetarian.
The waiter came with the biryaani, almost put the plate on our table when suddenly took it back saying there seems to be some goof-up and he would bring our original order in a minute..
So in a minute came our 'original order'.. It was a biryaani alright, at it tasted funny, we thought that was how they made it for Sachin Tendulkar in Lucknow, so not really suspecting anything we were wolfing it down and probably would have never known it had it not been for something hard in my mouth in the last bite. I causally took it out thinking of it as some kind of herb of something and put it down on the table, then another look at it made me feel a little uneasy, herbs were not white.. then it dawned..... I had a fucking chicken!!! shit shit shit.... with all due respect to non-vegetarians, it is still impossible to digest (pun may or may not be intentional) that I ate a chicken...
The management was like all sorry and apologetic, but that won't reverse the fact..........
Mr.Tendulkar may be a great cricketer, but I got to tell his business sense sucks, otherwise he would not have hired such morons who blundered like this.. I really do hope that his hotels go out of business, frankly with management like this I don't need to hope for that...

Well, what can I do now? Nothing, just nothing.. the bird is in my stomach, and some part of my blood, some corpuscle, some tiny cells will always have something to do with the chicken I ate.

Uh oh..

2004-11-04T11:53:00.000-08:00

This is not supposed to happen.. I cannot freaking (I meant to write fucking but then I thought it might piss off my conservative readers but now I said it anyway) get the blues 3 days before my exams.. I simply cannot stand reading.. there are explosions in my head...........
Maybe it's because of erratic sleeping patters, maybe because of too much coffee.. or too little of it.. I don't fucking know but what I know is that I cannot get myself to read things that I already know.......
I think I know what is it, I don't have anything to look forward to, maybe my unconscious is thinking 'what the hell's the use anyway? this guy is already making plans to make himself "more productive" even before he gives this exams!'
well, what ever it is, I am making this post to make a resolve.. and writing it down will definately help since I have made such resolves before and not fulfilled them, so if I just resolve it within myself, the little guy inside me might think 'this is just a trick'.. so now little guy... I am writing it down on my blog for the world to see.. this time this is serious....

'After these exams I am going to do something that I truly enjoy doing, I don't know what that would be, but I will find out, and do it.'

Now please please Almighty make myself able to study..... I had got a fucking FA last time (1-5 marks below the passing marks)... I have to pass.. both the exams...

I have done the resolution and am going to follow it... yes, one has duties to fulfill and goals to meet BUT I am going to have a great time myself.. thats a promise..............

lots of things (read PSes)

2004-10-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

Allright, so I had mentioned in the last post that I would tell you all the big secret how google can actually afford gmail, I had even prepared mathematical models for that, but today I realized that some of the basic assumptions that I had made were, well, completely wrong. I will still work on this though but after my exams.
Most probably this is the last post that I would be posting until 10th of November. Really speaking I am trying real hard to keep myself away from the pc, it's really addictive you know...

P.S.> If you are here from my ringtones website, then welcome and do check the previous posts to know more about the guy who has made sure your mobile sound a different tone every day since 2002 ;-)

P.P.S.> If you are one of the regular blog readers and the above PS went completely bonkers then it might be worth recalling a ringtones website that I might have mentioned sometimes, well after months of keeping my blog-identity seperate, here is the address to it RingtoneXChange - Your one source for best of the Indian tones right now I have just kept monotones, but starting next month it's gonna be a 3G friendly site with wap access, polyphonic tones, java games, etc..

P.P.S.> This PS was just to make the total number of PSes to an odd number :-D

Haunting Disappearing Beauties

2004-10-19T15:17:00.000-07:00

Saw The Eye yesterday. It certainly matched up to the superb reviews it got, although I wish I could understand Cantonese (or was it Japanese, they all sound the same) and not rely on the subtitles. So anyway, Angelica Lee's performance was very good and realistic, but the show-stealer definately has to be Chutcha Rujinanon, the eye doner ghost girl. And not only for her acting... I think she looks really hot. She's got those sharp oriental features with a touch of naughtyness, really really sexy. But when I checked out the imdb.com database for her other movie.. dud. She has only acted in 'The Eye' and there is no proper biography of her either on imdb or on any other site, almost like a real ghost! So, is the case with Malini Sharma, the ghost girl from Raaz.. I don't get it, both these ladies looked far better than the leading ladies in the respective films (heck, everyone looks better than Bipasha Basu of Raaz).. both gave above average performance, and both have simply disappeared from the face of the earth, or at least from the search engines!

Next Post: Have you always wondered how exactly could google afford to give you 1 gb webspace in gmail? So have I.. and I think I finally got the answers. So hold your breath keep checking this page, or subscribe to the Atom Feed.

A Real Conversation

2004-10-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

US-Returned (after 5 yrs) Ex-Neighbour: Things have changed so much, now you all have got Pizza Hut, McDonalds, and what not!

Never-Left-India Ex-Neighbour: Yeah yeah.. my son eats from pizza hut so often, bau saaru che

US-Retured Ex-Neighbour: What about Taco-bell? Are they here in India?

Me: No.. Taco-bell is yet to have a branch here...

Never-Left-India Ex-Neighbour: No, wait a minute, we DO GET tacos here in India too.

Some blogging news..

2004-10-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

Well.. mblog.com has started to extort money from the bloggers using it even if they want to get back their archives!! This is real stupid and I am sure in violation of many rules... My game theory blog was hosted there which anyway I was not happy with and will start out from the beginning. But also Deepti and SV's blogs are gone. Both of which were very cute blogs, well no, Deepti's was cute, SV's was informative. I think they both are sisters, dont know for sure.. Anyway Deepti and SV if you both are reading this then do tell me about your new blogs when you make them.
This has started to get lonely here, there were 6 blogs that I regularly read, which you can see on right pane under "people i read", this has reduced to 3.. apart from deepti and sv, linz is on a sabbatical.
Of course, lately I have discovered one Naina's blog, it is quite interesting too, mostly about designs and art-related stuff....
Also there is one more blog that I am planning to make in the near future, more details about it when it happens.......

And of course, BlogExplosion is how I found Naina's and many other really interesting blogs.. and it really increases the traffic of your site drastically, if you are confident that your content is gonna make people come back then it is an excellent tool.. so sign up today!

So much for now. . .

38 hrs

2004-10-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

It's 39 hours now.. without sleep! Admittedly now I am feeling a little weak, but the whole experience is super beautiful.. Especially when you see the dawn crack in the morning after a night of hard work, wooooowwwww it's one of the best feelings ever.

Nothing much to say now..... having a kinda serious conversation with a very close friend on MSN, the very reason for which is this blog...

Feeling better now..

2004-10-01T04:17:00.000-07:00

'The world had teeth and it could bite you with them anytime it wanted'
- Stephen King, as the opening line of The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon

There certainly is some degree of truth to this, but as this book would later tell.. the secret lies in showing your opponent that you are better than him.
My opponent happens to be the situation itself.. but then let me show life how much I respect it, just by fighting back with all my strength.

life really hurts

2004-09-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

no other words to say. life hurts.

how could i be so careless to leave my 20 grand worth cellphone in an autorickshaw? why did i not check whether i had it or not before i left the auto? why did the person who picked it up giave me a wrong name and address? why is that person such a big asshole that i wish from the deepest part of my heart that something really bad should happen to him? why have those corporate bloodsuckers at hcl infinet put so many hidden conditions in the theft insurance provided my them? why did the police not register me one measly fir?
why did someone i really care for attempt suicide twice this month? why do those psychos make websites that assist people in killing themselves?
why do i seem to miss someone with whom i brutally screwed up my relation so deeply that i can't just get myself to forget her?
why do i feel so insecure in a way i don't remember feeling after my early teens?
why does the world seem to fall down like a pack of cards?

i need to stand up on my feet.
i want to stand up on my feet.
i have to stand up on my feet.

melancholic.. confusing.. breakdown..

Just Another Post

2004-09-13T06:02:00.000-07:00

Been really busy with my project lately, haven't been able to post anything here. It turns out that explaining Games Theory to those who are not at all aware of it is not going to be easy.. Well anyways I don't want to talk about it now.

Recently got an Orkut invite and thats were I am spending most of my free time. I must say it is quite addictive, especially with the new-age-wasted kind of feel that you get in many of the Communities there, for example, these are the names of some of the orkut communities: 'Purani Jeans Aur Guitar', 'Explaining things badly', 'People Watching', 'thinking in the shower'... you get the idea, dont you?

I forgot a kinda good friend's birthday... dunno what to do, of course the first thing to do is to call her, feels bit weirdy bit guilty to do so. Guess I don't have an option here...

PS: While proof reading the post before hitting the publish post, I noticed that this enrty is really unstructured. Kinda ironic because, at present the way things are going I am more structured and organized than I have been in a very long time. Ah well..

Game Theory Blog created

2004-09-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

Visit the Games Theory blog (category: Statistics, Mathematics, Economics) here

The Bathroom Statistician

2004-09-08T03:49:00.000-07:00

I have discovered myself, I am a bathroom statistician.. really! I just had a splendid idea for my upcoming project on Games Theory yesterday while in the shower..

I am going to write about it, but not here.. I will be making the Game Theory blog today and you can get all the details in there. Link update coming soon.

And in case I forget, just a reminder to myself that I want to buy the book The Rule Of Four, why? Because Linz has really raved about it, and it feels my kinda book. It's really sad that Linz won't be blogging for sometime, but from my own experience I found that blogging for a long time tends to get pretty mundane, well I just hope that she be back soon. There was also this another book whose review I had read in Sunday Express and I really liked it, but already forgot the name.. oh well, will have to see if the sunday's paper is still intact or not..

Anyways, like I said check back here shortly and learn what a bathroom idea can do! ;-)

New And Slow.. But Not Low :-)

2004-09-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

In the attempted makeover of my life, things have admittedly been quite slow. But hey, I started, right? And the inner feeling, that feeling that stays with you, that decides what you will do and what you won't, it has completely changed. Earlier every single action that I had to do felt as hard and heavy like taking 'the one' ring to mordor (just re-saw The Fellowship of The Ring today), and now things have started to feel lighter and easier.

The first major step that I took was yesterday.. This would be a major shocker to those who have seen my pic in my old blog.. I had a haircut!! No, did not go and trim my hair, they are actually short now!!! Of course it was not easy, there was this feeling deep down inside which went like 'two years worth of hair gonna go down, go back, tell him to just trim them..' but I remained strong. It is a refreshing change, will post a pic as soon as my cell is back from the Nokia Service Center, speaking of which a word of advice if you are going to buy a cell, DO NOT BUY NOKIA 6230, yes it's got all the features and all, but it is really buggy. Back to my haircut, almost all of my friends and people I know said I looked better than before. In fact there are exactly two people so far who prefer me in long hair, my bro and our bai (maid). The important thing is that I am feeling great, refreshingly energetic in this new look.

That apart, I have not exactly chased after what goals I had set, been 72 hours since I decided upon them, but then again I do hold the will to do it, something I had lost in the past few months.

Among other things, in preparing for a project, I discovered how beautiful Games Theory (John Nash, A Beautiful Mind, remember?) is, and I am thinking of making a small Games Theory Blog, but it sounds a bit too geeky and time-committing thing.. lets see.....

Rejuvenate

2004-08-31T13:16:00.000-07:00

"..and just when life takes you down to the lowest point, you bounce back. You stand up and you bounce back. A master stroke by a slightly drunk painter, a single beautiful line by a lazy poet. You leave others in awe and sprint your way towards the goal.."

I have heard this somewhere, I cannot recollect where, or even when.. it seems I have heard this even before I was born. Some teacher maybe.. or one of those inspirational gurus.. or a movie.. I don't know. I think it is best not to know, it somehow increases the mystic aura about the lines.

And it's about time I bounce back. Which logically implies I am at the lowest point right now, but I should add I am not. Perhaps I was a month or two ago, but instead of 'bouncing back', I somehow started to drag myself through. Accept whatever was thrown to me and lie low. Living a slow painful existence too afraid to question myself.

But I can feel that old self wearing out. I want to redream my dreams and this time see them clearly. I want to do what I like and not try to like what I do. And this is going to be a very beatiful continous process, which I am starting at this moment by taking a second shot at blogging.